Dreams

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I tossed and turned for quite some time before deciding to give up and read. My mind was churning with so many things, if only I could set my brain on "sleep mode" like I do my computer.

Early this morning I fell into a very deep sleep and had one of those dreams that seem to last for hours. I won't bore you with the details, but the overriding theme seemed to be "hello and goodbye."

This made perfect sense to me; the day had been filled with news of changes coming to the lives of family and friends.

At the end of the dream I turned around at the sound of my name, and my good friend Tammy was walking towards me. She was moving back to her hometown in Ohio. As we embraced she whispered in my ear, "you can do anything you set your mind to."

Dreams are funny that way; often just entertaining us during sleep like a mindless t.v. show, and then suddenly, a real message tucked between all that nonsense.

Tammy gave me the words I most needed to hear yesterday; there's still time to re-invent myself yet again. That's what transition is all about.

Watching my Garden Grow

Here's a challenge: Can you come up with a list of 30 things you like to do?
Sound easy? It's not, at least not for me.

Let me back up. I was reading a blog this morning that was timely for me: "Remembering to take care of you."

I need that reminder often. Like most women, I tend to take care of everyone else first and place myself at the end of the line. By the time I get to me, I am plumb worn out.

As part of my transition to a life more balanced and lived more thoughtfully, I have been making an effort to be more loving to myself. I am taking a full range of vitamins and minerals to balance myself physically. I am exploring different ways to exercise given my limitations with time, and some injuries.

I am learning to cook new things and incorporate healthy choices in my meals. I go to bed earlier and if I crave a nap, I give myself permission to have one.

I take care of my skin; slathering on sunscreen, wearing a hat and sunglasses whenever I'm outside for an extended period of time. Yes, I am taking better care of my physical self, but the garden is only half

tended. Now I need to plant some flowers.

I tend to neglect the emotional self- ignoring danger signals that I am getting overwhelmed and burned out. I stuff down the negative feelings, and push aside the need to spend some time alone in meditation and introspection.

I need time to sit with myself. To quietly explore my dreams, frustrations and goals both big and small. I need to spend more time doing things I enjoy in order to feed the dreams and calm the soul.

So I am going to spend the rest of today mulling this over and creating my list. It may take me a little while to think of 30 things, but it's attainable. Thirty flowers to plant in my garden.

Watch me bloom...

Cottage Dreams

We went to spend the afternoon with some friends yesterday. Their house perches on the edge of a marsh with a view of Matanzas Inlet in St. Augustine. It was almost a doll's house, with one small bathroom, a tiny galley kitchen and two bedrooms. It was the view made the house seem larger than it was. A wall of windows with a sweeping view of the inlet was a perfect trade-off for it's cramped size.

I remember reading a self-help book a few years back when I was in the process of re-constructing my life. One exercise was to describe your dream house in vivid detail, down to the dishes that were in your cupboards and the plants in your yard.

I described a house I had actually dreamed about. I often had dreams of living with my now husband in a small Craftsman like cottage, in an town to be decided on at a later time.

The cottage had a front porch with two rockers, a swing on one side, flower filled planters and wind chimes. The front yard had almost no grass. It was a series of flower beds with lots of colorful wildflowers.

The interior of the house was bright and airy. The polished wood floors were covered with faded oriental rugs. The furniture was chosen specifically for comfort and a piano stood in one corner. Book shelves lined the walls and a fireplace of natural stone had chairs positioned on either side.

The kitchen had opened shelves that held mismatched dishes, and pots hung from the ceiling.

A glassed in back porch was where we ate our meals on a scrubbed pine table. In one corner was a screen and behind it was my "office."

Down the path way was an old garage converted into a studio for my husband. The backyard had several raised garden beds where we grew vegetables and herbs.

I cannot help but notice how my "dream house" has changed over the years. The house I currently occupy was my dream home ten years ago. It was the first house that we were able to chose without the added stress of moving across the state. The neighborhood was full of families with children. My kids had playmates for the first time.

But, the dream home did not sustain the dream family. The house did not save the crumbling marriage. What looked perfect from the outside, was rotten at it's core.

Of Dreams Deferred

I am emotionally drained...

Yesterday we went to see the last Harry Potter movie. I was misty eyed during the opening scenes, and sobbing thirty minutes into the movie. Call me a mush-head.

Less than two hours later, I was watching the last episode of my favorite television show, Friday Night Lights. I found the ending strangely flat and attributed my lack of emotion to my overwrought state brought on by the movie.

But later, as I tried to fall asleep, images and snatches of conversation from the show kept running through my head. I realized I had unconsciously detached myself emotionally from the final episode because it was hitting too close to home.

Let me explain: Coach Taylor has moved his family around for 18 years for his job. His wife Tammy, has accepted his decisions and has worked hard to create a home and carve a place for herself in each town- mainly as a high school guidance counselor.

Tammy was offered the position of Director of Admissions at a fictional small college on the East Coast, far from Texas. She asks her husband to consider moving for HER job this time.

There is tension in the final episode as Tammy tries to get her husband to listen to her. She wants a chance to live her dream for the first time. He has been living his for the past 18 years. She finally tells him she is not going to take the job because, "she will never win this argument."

Seven years ago I was in a similar position. I had been offered a chance to do the work I loved with a "dream team" of people. I had the same conversation with my then husband. I had been a loyal corporate wife for 18 years. I had been uprooted time and again for his job. I had created a home, and now it was my turn. I wanted to live my own dream.

Tammy and Coach moved to Pennsylvania and in the final scenes. He is shown coaching a new group of high school kids, as Tammy walks around the college campus clearly happy with her new position.

My situation did not have a happy ending. We divorced soon after I took the job but, as the Coach and his wife told their newly engaged daughter and her fiance- marriage is about listening. It's about mutual respect for each person's dream. It's about compromise.

Only then does love conquer all.