Just For Today

Just for today,
I'm going to shut out the chaos, and side step the drama.

Just for today,
I'm going to quiet the negative voices that echo through my brain.

Just for today,
I'm going to power down, and sit with the silence.

Just for today,
I'm going to look in the mirror and see the beauty of my face.

Just for today,
I'm going to love my body.

Just for today,
I'm going to stand tall, talk boldly, dream big.

Just for today,
I'm going to forgive my faults,
and forgive those who have trespassed against me.

Just for today,
I'm going to tell those closest to me how dearly I cherish them,
and how much joy they bring into my life.

Just for today,
I'm going to make every moment count.

Just for today.

Perspective

I made pancakes for breakfast yesterday. I don't often fix a big breakfast anymore. My teenagers stumble out of their rooms like moles emerging from their tunnels; blinking and shading their eyes from the bright sunlight. With a few mumbled syllables they head for the t.v., the computer or the kitchen for some cereal.

I also made cupcakes, chocolate with mocha filling and fudgy icing. The cupcakes capped off a dinner of grilled london broil, homemade mashed potatoes, fresh green beans and collards.

I pour out my love for my family through food. I cook, I bake and I season with a lot of love. My oldest is particularly enjoying my love offerings. Being in college has made him very appreciative of a home cooked meal.

I am blessed with three terrific kids. Each one is unique, personable, intelligent, kind, and very loving. They have been raised to stand up for themselves, but to be empathetic to others. They look out for each other and they love me.

I am especially grateful for their strong, healthy selves today as my husband's nephew faces another challenge in his short span of 14 years. Sam has cancer, brain cancer.

As I type this note, he is halfway through a four hour operation to remove the second tumor found on his brain. The first one was removed in 2009.

Two years ago there was no warning that he was ill. A smack on the head with a hockey stick during a game brought him to the doctor for tests after he showed symptoms of a concussion. What they found was a huge tumor growing on his young brain.

A year that changed my brother-in-law and his family's life. Intense radiation, aggressive chemotherapy, continual doctor and hospital visits, and never ending fear and anxiety. They were always up and positive for the boy who showed everyone what courage looks like.

Sam took each step in stride, never doubting that he was going to lick this. Giving his parents hope when their own sometimes faltered.

A week ago, everything was "normal" again in their household. They were enjoying a visit from Grandma, getting big sister ready to leave for college. Hanging out and doing what we take for granted everyday- our ordinary days.

Now they are facing another battle- hoping for another chance to beat cancer, once and for all.

I am going to keep spoiling my kids with little treats, lots of hugs and plenty of love.

An ordinary day can change in an instant.

Of Dreams Deferred

I am emotionally drained...

Yesterday we went to see the last Harry Potter movie. I was misty eyed during the opening scenes, and sobbing thirty minutes into the movie. Call me a mush-head.

Less than two hours later, I was watching the last episode of my favorite television show, Friday Night Lights. I found the ending strangely flat and attributed my lack of emotion to my overwrought state brought on by the movie.

But later, as I tried to fall asleep, images and snatches of conversation from the show kept running through my head. I realized I had unconsciously detached myself emotionally from the final episode because it was hitting too close to home.

Let me explain: Coach Taylor has moved his family around for 18 years for his job. His wife Tammy, has accepted his decisions and has worked hard to create a home and carve a place for herself in each town- mainly as a high school guidance counselor.

Tammy was offered the position of Director of Admissions at a fictional small college on the East Coast, far from Texas. She asks her husband to consider moving for HER job this time.

There is tension in the final episode as Tammy tries to get her husband to listen to her. She wants a chance to live her dream for the first time. He has been living his for the past 18 years. She finally tells him she is not going to take the job because, "she will never win this argument."

Seven years ago I was in a similar position. I had been offered a chance to do the work I loved with a "dream team" of people. I had the same conversation with my then husband. I had been a loyal corporate wife for 18 years. I had been uprooted time and again for his job. I had created a home, and now it was my turn. I wanted to live my own dream.

Tammy and Coach moved to Pennsylvania and in the final scenes. He is shown coaching a new group of high school kids, as Tammy walks around the college campus clearly happy with her new position.

My situation did not have a happy ending. We divorced soon after I took the job but, as the Coach and his wife told their newly engaged daughter and her fiance- marriage is about listening. It's about mutual respect for each person's dream. It's about compromise.

Only then does love conquer all.