The Challenges

The Challenges – You stumble on your new path. You get lost as you try to rewrite your life or adjust to your new circumstances. Your challenges often reflect your greatest weakness. They cause you to thinking about scurrying back to the old you.~ from The Hero's Journey

Well I stumbled and I got lost more times than I can count as I muddled through the many changes in my life.

I got divorced. For all my false bravado and even with the deep conviction that it was the right choice to make, it was heart wrenching and gut wrenching. To admit to failure, that this relationship was just too far gone, went against my grain.

Being divorced was tough, being shunned by the community that could only accept us as a couple was much more difficult. A year later I lost my job, and suddenly I was invisible. I had fallen into a dark crevasse and there seemed to be no way out.

I struggled for a while, and shouted out for help until my throat was raw. Then I gave up and accepted that this was where I was supposed to be for a while. So I sat in the darkness and listened with my heart and soul.

Listening took the form of furious journal writing. I faced my demons, I admitted my weaknesses, and most of all, I forgave myself for my failures. Light slowly illuminated the path out of the dark crevasse and I stood again on solid ground.

My voice had become stronger. I was ready for the next step of my transition. This stage would require a great deal of courage and an even greater leap of faith.

Cottage Dreams

We went to spend the afternoon with some friends yesterday. Their house perches on the edge of a marsh with a view of Matanzas Inlet in St. Augustine. It was almost a doll's house, with one small bathroom, a tiny galley kitchen and two bedrooms. It was the view made the house seem larger than it was. A wall of windows with a sweeping view of the inlet was a perfect trade-off for it's cramped size.

I remember reading a self-help book a few years back when I was in the process of re-constructing my life. One exercise was to describe your dream house in vivid detail, down to the dishes that were in your cupboards and the plants in your yard.

I described a house I had actually dreamed about. I often had dreams of living with my now husband in a small Craftsman like cottage, in an town to be decided on at a later time.

The cottage had a front porch with two rockers, a swing on one side, flower filled planters and wind chimes. The front yard had almost no grass. It was a series of flower beds with lots of colorful wildflowers.

The interior of the house was bright and airy. The polished wood floors were covered with faded oriental rugs. The furniture was chosen specifically for comfort and a piano stood in one corner. Book shelves lined the walls and a fireplace of natural stone had chairs positioned on either side.

The kitchen had opened shelves that held mismatched dishes, and pots hung from the ceiling.

A glassed in back porch was where we ate our meals on a scrubbed pine table. In one corner was a screen and behind it was my "office."

Down the path way was an old garage converted into a studio for my husband. The backyard had several raised garden beds where we grew vegetables and herbs.

I cannot help but notice how my "dream house" has changed over the years. The house I currently occupy was my dream home ten years ago. It was the first house that we were able to chose without the added stress of moving across the state. The neighborhood was full of families with children. My kids had playmates for the first time.

But, the dream home did not sustain the dream family. The house did not save the crumbling marriage. What looked perfect from the outside, was rotten at it's core.

How Marriage Works

Musings: Day Two...

Friday Night Lights was not a show about football. It was a show about the power of relationships.

The relationship of a favorite teacher, coach or mentor and the impact that he or she can have on a young person's life. The powerful pull of peer pressure on a teen. How family support, or lack thereof, can impact a teenager. But most of all, what a solid, loving marriage can look like.

Over and over, the critics (including a mention on NPR this weekend), lauded the portrayal of marriage by Coach Eric Taylor and his wife, Tammy (Kyle Chandler,and Connie Britton) as, "The most realistic marriage on television."

For me it was the relationship I wished for, and did not have in any shape or form. Friday Night Lights began as my marriage was failing. I realized that what I thought was a partnership was in reality, a dictatorship.

I what I craved was Eric and Tammy's marriage, but hey, it's Hollywood, the land of make-believe. Watching their interactions, their arguments, and their playfulness on screen gave me hope that it is possible to forge such a relationship. To do so the two key elements must be present: deep love and a mutual respect for the other person.

We, as parents so often forget that our child's perceptions of how a relationship works is based on what they observed in their own parent's marriage. For those of us who have moved on to our second marriage's it's a chance to let our kids see how a good marriage works.

As I was watching the show with my son the other night I realized that Friday Night Lights has opened up dialogue with my teen-aged sons on a variety of difficult topics: teen drinking, sex, dating, friendships, loyalty, perseverance and what a good marriage is, and isn't.

Friday Night Lights reminded me that although our child's peers become more influential as they grow towards adulthood, we still have plenty of gifts to give our children. A model of a good marriage is one of the most important.

Of Dreams Deferred

I am emotionally drained...

Yesterday we went to see the last Harry Potter movie. I was misty eyed during the opening scenes, and sobbing thirty minutes into the movie. Call me a mush-head.

Less than two hours later, I was watching the last episode of my favorite television show, Friday Night Lights. I found the ending strangely flat and attributed my lack of emotion to my overwrought state brought on by the movie.

But later, as I tried to fall asleep, images and snatches of conversation from the show kept running through my head. I realized I had unconsciously detached myself emotionally from the final episode because it was hitting too close to home.

Let me explain: Coach Taylor has moved his family around for 18 years for his job. His wife Tammy, has accepted his decisions and has worked hard to create a home and carve a place for herself in each town- mainly as a high school guidance counselor.

Tammy was offered the position of Director of Admissions at a fictional small college on the East Coast, far from Texas. She asks her husband to consider moving for HER job this time.

There is tension in the final episode as Tammy tries to get her husband to listen to her. She wants a chance to live her dream for the first time. He has been living his for the past 18 years. She finally tells him she is not going to take the job because, "she will never win this argument."

Seven years ago I was in a similar position. I had been offered a chance to do the work I loved with a "dream team" of people. I had the same conversation with my then husband. I had been a loyal corporate wife for 18 years. I had been uprooted time and again for his job. I had created a home, and now it was my turn. I wanted to live my own dream.

Tammy and Coach moved to Pennsylvania and in the final scenes. He is shown coaching a new group of high school kids, as Tammy walks around the college campus clearly happy with her new position.

My situation did not have a happy ending. We divorced soon after I took the job but, as the Coach and his wife told their newly engaged daughter and her fiance- marriage is about listening. It's about mutual respect for each person's dream. It's about compromise.

Only then does love conquer all.