Post Mortem...

You say we can keep our love alive Babe - all I know is what I see - The couples cling and claw And drown in love's debris. ~ Carly Simon

I heard that song this morning on the way to work. I've listened to it for years, but today the words resonated in my skull. It makes me think of how hard it is to make a relationship work. It makes me think of how ill prepared I am to deal with the conflicting feels of loss and anger that have flooded my heart today. This weekend the father of my children, my ex- husband is getting married. I'm not feeling any lasting regrets and I'm not worried that the step -mother will replace me. I'm angry because of the way our marriage was erased through annulment. I'm angry when I think of how he disregards our children's feelings about being involved in the wedding. But the most overwhelming (and somewhat surprising) feeling, is of loss. This is another reminder of how we could not keep our love alive. We clawed and clung to one another, but somehow it wasn't enough. I feel like I let us all down. Should I have tried harder? Ignored the growing feelings of discontent? Somehow found a way to cope with the neglect? It's hard to be invisible. I spent years being a supportive wife, but I was the invisible support that held the building together. You never realize how important that substructure is, until the building is reduced to rubble.