Waiting... Day 15

Waiting and waiting and preparing for the worst, afraid to hope, scared to dream....

I've lived in a semi- state of limbo for over two years. Since losing my job in 2008, I have gone from viewing this as a temporary setback to full fledged panic, to acceptance that this might be a long term event.

I know of other family and friends who are living through their own limbo. They have had a health crisis that has forced them into a new state of reality. One of hospitals, treatments, and doctors appointments. There are others who are in the throes of ending a long term relationship. They are paying off debts, tying up loose ends, gathering the strength to make that leap into the the next stage.

My limbo is not unique. I read about other jobless people everyday who are struggling to find another position, any job during this "Great Recession." I have been unemployed and underemployed longer than most, but the realities are the same.

Each time I had a job within my grasp I began to dream; filled with thoughts of bills being paid, the long list of repairs and projects to bring my long neglected house and car up to par. To dream of getting up each day and having a real purpose, to use my skills and talents for more than deciding what's for dinner and keeping everyone's schedules straight. To interact with like minded colleagues, not just the cashiers at the grocery store or the bank teller.

When I catch myself dreaming of what it would be like to get this job, I squelch the urge. Instead I practice for the worst. I rehearse the rejection in my mind so that it won't hurt so much. I can't help but go to the worse case scenario. I've had the rug pulled out from under me too many times.

During my more enlightened moments I remind myself that what will be, will be. There is so much on my plate at this moment that I cannot control. I have people in my life who continue to frustrate me. situations that drive me wild, growing and changing children who must be allowed to make their own choices; the list goes on.

But, transition is time to let go of reins and let my little universe spin on its own. I cannot change people, I cannot change the march of time, I can only change my attitude. I can only hope and pray that there is a grand plan and that it will all make sense at some point.

As the quote reads, "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."