Fear

I'm using this forum to record my anxieties and fears today. Last week I read an article about the success of recording any anxieties and fears before tackling a big project ( or test), which can improve the person's over all performance. In thirty minutes I am scheduled to take a test that could determine whether I still have a job next fall.

I am taking a math test as part of a multi-step set of hoops set up by the state to determine whether I can teach students. I guess the BA from a college of Education wasn't proof enough. So here I am, years after I unfortunately allowed my certificate to expire as I embarked on another career path, about to sit in front of a computer screen in a room full of strangers, letting this test intimidate the hell out of me.

I am determined to pass this test. Of course I haven't cracked an Algebra book in over 20 years and I never had more than basic Geometry, but I have studied and have been humbled to learn that there is much I DIDN'T learn all those years ago. It's frightening to find out that sometimes your best efforts may not be good enough. That there are somethings in life you are not going to master (or even comprehend.)

The motivating forces are clear cut: I need the job. I know what the job market is like, especially after spending two years unemployed. Add the current budget cuts to the public education sector and there is a long line of teachers looking to take my job if I fail.

I need to work to support my children. It was hard making ends meet without stable, steady income. I never want to experience that particular hell ever again. I also need the steady income and the insurance for my husband and I to stay on course with our decision to allow him the chance to ply his craft full time for the first time in his life.

These are all good reasons to pass this test. I have studied, prepared as much as I can. I have asked for prayers and I have prayed to the Divine myself. There is nothing more to do now but go out and make it happen.

Wish me luck!